Bystander by James Preller

Besides reading, I love to listen to funny storytellers. Some of my favorite storytellers include Bill Cosby and Kevin Kling. Kevin Kling told a story on public radio recently that I would like to share with you. [share selected audio clip]

The Kling brothers go searching for Jeffrey because he tattles on them and it's time for payback, but when the Kling brothers find him, do they know what to do next?

While in their grasp Jeffrey says, "No, no, don't take me into the woods."

Then the Kling brothers respond, "We are taking you into the woods!"

Jeffrey says, "No, no, don't tie me to the picnic table."

The Kling brothers reply, "We are tying you to a picnic table!"

Jeffrey says, "No, no, don't pour peaches on my head."

The Kling brothers call out, "Somebody go back to camp and get some peaches!"

Jeffrey doesn't realize that what he is doing is instructing the Kling brothers step- by-step on how to terrorize him.

(Why was Jeffrey so specific? What can you infer, or conclude, about Jeffrey? Was he a former bully, bystander or victim?)

Unlike the Kling brothers, the bully in the book, Bystander, by James Preller, definitely knows what he's doing. Griffen tells the new kids he draws into his dark world to call him Griff. What takes most of his unsuspecting new recruits weeks to discover is that Griff is a liar, bully, and a thief. We are also introduced to Eric Hayes, the new kid in town. Eric has just moved with his mom and younger brother from Ohio to Bellport, Long Island, and doesn't know anyone. He definitely doesn't know whom to avoid.

The book begins with Eric shooting buckets outside, alone, on the middle school cement basketball courts when he notices a boy running away from the school all covered in red glop. To Eric there is something strange about the whole scene. The boy looks like he is running for his life, but there isn't anyone chasing him. From a distance the red glop looks like red paint. Or, is it blood?

Then the narrator tells us that the boy headed in Eric's direction:

"You okay?" asked Eric.

The boy came to a halt and stared at Eric. He looked distrustful, a dog that had been hit by too many rolled-up newspapers.

Eric stepped forward, gestured to the boy's shirt. "Is that blood?"

There was a flash of something else there, just a fleeting something in the boy's eyes: hatred. Hot, dark hatred.

"No, no. Not....bl-blood," the boy said.

Then Eric smelled it, a familiar whiff, and he knew. Ketchup. The boy was covered with ketchup.

Then, in the very next chapter Griff introduces himself to Eric. Griff takes care of Eric, the new kid. Eric immediately gains buddies, recognition and a place with Griff's boys at the lunch table. Friendship with Griff has its benefits, but unknown to Eric, Griff is responsible for what happened to ketchup boy. What will Eric do if Griff comes calling for Eric to join in on the fun? What will Eric do if Griff finds ketchup boy alone, and offers to give a live demonstration to show Eric how it's done?

Does Eric have the courage to do the right thing or will he join in the fun with Griff? Or, will Eric fall in with a long line of bystanders instead and just watch?

The following words by Martin Luther King Jr. haunt the chapters that follow:

"In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

Killer Pizza by Greg Taylor

Do you like Hawaiian? How about Chicago style? Maybe it's the Cowboy at Papa Murphy's?

What's your favorite pizza?

There sure are some strange combinations of pizza toppings out there, too. I love chicken and pineapple on thin crust! When you add those sweet glistening lego sized rectangles of tropical gold, the taste completely morphs into something spectacular! However, some of you may think adding pineapple morphs the taste into something horrible.

[Show picture of a gargoyle] Can anyone identify what's in the picture?

Gargoyles and pizza? What a strange combination. I'm not suggesting gargoyles on pizza. What I am trying to foreshadow has to do with something that morphs or transforms into a horrible combination in the book, Killer Pizza, by Greg Taylor.

In, Killer Pizza, by Greg Taylor, we find Toby McGill working at a new pizza shop named Killer Pizza on opening day. It's Toby's first job. He's thrilled. He's a little nervous, too. Toby's dream is to be a chef someday and any gig he can get working with food can't be all bad. Toby is also a little nervous because he has a lot to learn. From making pizza to answering the phone the proper way, Toby is a rookie and rookies don't get much respect.

The opening day of the new Killer Pizza franchise didn't go as planned. Toby's training didn't prepare him for the huge rush of orders. You can imagine the number of mistakes Toby and the other rookies made that day as they answered the phone and tried to remember what went into menu items such as the Creature Double Feature (two medium sized pizzas), or a Monstrosity (extra large with everything), or a side order like Vampire Stakes (pointed garlic sticks with red dipping sauce). Toby and the others barely survived their first shift. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be their last. Surprising for a first day on the job, Toby and the other rookies somehow impressed their boss Harvey. However, Harvey wasn't necessarily impressed with their pizza making skills. He had hired Toby and the others for another reason-gargoyles. Well, something like gargoyles. For now, there is no other way to explain them.

You see, the real reason Harvey hired Toby and the others had something to do with what happened to Chelsea Travers a few days earlier.

"Run! Don't look back! Just run!!!"

Chelsea Travers, a fifteen year-old girl, by herself in the dark, barefoot, with trees preventing the moonlight from penetrating to the forest floor to help guide her, ran for her life.

"Help! Someone, please...HELP ME!"

As Chelsea's nervous system reacted by infusing a much needed adrenaline burst to her muscles, her conscience also kicked into overdrive. What had she been thinking, walking home alone in the woods that night?

"What is this thing chasing me, anyway?!"

Chelsea was terrified. She got a glimpse of it. There were bursts of snarls like from an animal. But, "what kind of animal ran on two legs?" As her heart pounded, her lungs screaming, the terror slackened for a split second as she spotted a road up ahead that could lead to safety. Then Chelsea tripped, twisting her ankle. Hope never seemed so far away. As she picked herself up she experienced a "searing flash of pain" that exploded in the back of her thigh.

"Chelsea whirled to defend herself. Her eyes widened when she saw what was standing...towering over her." Her head felt like it was spinning. "She felt like she'd been injected with some kind of sedative. As much as she urged herself to fight, to run, to do something to get away from the silent, bizarre creature that had bitten her, all Chelsea could do was sink to both knees. She was going fast and she knew it. The creature stepped toward Chelsea, its foot filling her fuzzy-and quickly fading-field of vision." The last thing she saw was the creature's bare feet walking up to her, and strangely, in her final confusing moments as she lay paralyzed on the damp forest floor, she noticed what was on one of the creature's deformed feet-a toe ring!

What happened to Chelsea Travers was unknown to Toby McGill, but Toby's boss Harvey knew something. Harvey knew that the creature that bit Chelsea Travers was like the one he had hanging lifelessly on a hook, wrapped in plastic, and locked securely in Killer Pizza's basement freezer. Harvey also knew one more thing that Toby didn't-that Toby was more than just a good pizza maker. Toby had what it took to deal with whatever it was that attacked Chelsea Travers that night.

What was the creature that bit Chelsea Travers? Why did it have on a toe ring? What skills does Toby possess besides tossing pizza dough into the air? And, what makes Harvey so sure the creature hanging on the hook in the freezer is really dead?

If you like R.L. Stine and/or American Chillers, if you like books about monsters, then I would like to recommend, Killer Pizza, by Greg Taylor.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: the Classic Regency Romance-Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem by Jane Austen and Seth Graham-Smith

Those familiar with the original story know that Mrs. Bennett is obssessed with finding husbands for the Bennetts' five daughters. Life could be difficult for an unmarried woman in 18th century England. So, Mrs. Bennett's singular purpose in life is to train her five girls in the arts of conversation and civilized manners, making them more desirable to prospective suitors.

However, the story immediately takes on an unfamiliar morbid twist. Mr. Bennett of course is annoyed with his wife's incessant efforts to marry off his daughters. In contrast with his wife, his main concern is their survival-to train them in the arts of self-defense. The reason: a plague has stricken the land causing the dead to come back to life....as zombies. In polite, civilized, cultured company the proper term to refer to the living dead (zombies)is to call them an unmentionable or one that is a member of the unfortunate scourge.

Instead of dreaming about boys, Mr. Bennett prefers his five girls to think about applying themselves to the deadly arts. Only by training them in the martial arts and the proper handling of lethal weapons will he guarantee his main mission in life: to prevent his family from joining the ranks of the living dead.

News reaches the Bennett household that two young gentlemen have arrived to visit at a nearby estate. Both are extremely rich, and available. The Bennetts are invited to a ball where there will be dancing, but more importantly, where introductions will be made. Mrs. Bennett hopes her girls will compare favorably on the opinions of the two visiting young gentlemen.

At the ball one of the prospective suitors, named Mr. Bingley, comments to his friend, Mr.Darcy, that he has never met with so many pleasant girls in one place in his whole life. It doesn't go unnoticed to Mrs. Bennett that Mr. Bingley dances twice with her eldest daughter Jane. Everyone immediately takes a liking to Mr. Bingley, especially Jane. However, the same feeling is not equally shared about Mr. Darcy. Even Mrs. Bennett herself thinks Mr. Darcy to be the proudest, most disagreeable, man in the world.

Both Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy wistfully remark to each other at how beautiful Jane Bennett is. Unfortunately, Mr. Darcy also comments to his friend that Jane's sister, Elizabeth, is only tolerable, and not pretty enough to interest him.

Elizabeth overhears Mr. Darcy and "her blood turns cold." She has never been so insulted in her entire life. She impulsively reaches down by her ankle where she secretly keeps a dagger hidden under her dress. She means to threaten Mr. Darcy with bodily harm when suddenly a scourge of unmentionables shatter the windows and crash into the ballroom.

"Unmentionables poured in, their movements clumsy yet swift; their burial clothing in a range of untidiness...Their flesh was in varying degrees of [rot and decay];the freshly stricken were slightly green and pliant, whereas the longer dead were gray and brittle-their eyes and tongues long since turned to dust, and their lips pulled back into everlasting skeletal smiles."

In the mayhem, Mr. Bennett shouted orders he knew would be received by five sets of highly trained ears:

"Girls! Pentagram of Death!"

The five girls pressed their backs against each other in a fighting formation that looked like a five-pointed star, pleasing their father no doubt as they confronted the deadly horde of party crashers. In one graceful motion, the girls reached for their daggers with one hand, and politely placed their free hands behind them in the small of their backs. Lunging with extended dagger thrusts, the girls worked in harmony as they beheaded the swarm of attacking zombies.

As the story continues, we later learn that Jane is involved in another fracas with the zombies, and has possibly been bitten by one of them. As Elizabeth risks her life to be by Jane's side, she is ambushed by three of the unmentionables. All three with arms extended, mouths locked wide open, would make anyone pause to reflect on a "universally acknowledged" truth about all zombies:

"A zombie in possession of brains mut be in want of more brains."


The questions I leave you with are almost baffling in themselves considering what Seth Graham-Smith has done to a story that many consider a masterpiece of world literature.

Will Elizabeth Bennett survive the ambush?

Does Jane Bennett transform into a zombie?

What will Mr. Bingley think of Jane then?

And, what about Mr. Darcy? Did Elizabeth catch his eye with her display of eloquence, grace, and deadly accuracy as she lifted a zombie by the scalp and thrusted her dagger into its neck?

Find out in this genre-defying classics-shattering adaptation by Seth Graham-Smith that might even cause Jane Austen to disturb her grave with laughter; may she rest in peace.